If you read my pregnancy and birth story with Phoenix, you know I had anxiety throughout my whole journey. This feeling was not completely unfamiliar to me, I saw my school’s counselor in college to help me learn how to cope with stress. But nothing prepared me for the feelings I would experience after my son was born.
His birth was amazing, and also terrifying. I was so glad to have him in my arms, and our immediate postpartum experience was absolutely perfect. The herbal bath, meeting his sister, and the first breastfeeding moments were all memorable and beautiful. I’m so glad we had Neeli (Eucharisteo Films) there to capture the sweetness and love. I felt tired but physically great, and going home 4 hours after birth was a dream.
Twenty-four hours after he was born, a nurse came for a home visit to check his weight and bilirubin. We expected him to be somewhat jaundice, because Wren was, and we were right. That was not a huge deal. He had been eating great (although I needed help with the latch), lost very little weight, and was otherwise doing well. I mentioned that our little guy screamed in pain when we held him in certain positions, and the nurse checked his collarbone. She wasn’t sure, but mentioned that it could be broken. Of course, this freaked me out. My brain immediately went into overdrive wondering how “I broke” my baby during birth. My hormonal self was thinking irrationally already.
The next day was tough and exhausting. Our first stop was in Fort Worth to see our midwife. There we had his bilirubin levels checked again, and she examined both his collarbone and his hematoma (Swollen spot under his scalp). She gently explained that she did think it was fractured, and that we might want to reconsider our decision not to administer the vitamin k shot. From there, we went to Dallas to see Dr. Lexi, the chiropractor at Our Birthing Home. Our chiropractors, Lauren and Eric Alvarado, were out of town, and we trusted Lexi. Phoenix got his first adjustment! I had a good cry, and Fabian and I decided to head back to Fort Worth and get the vitamin k shot. Shannon the midwife was so understanding and loving too, she knew it was a tough decision for us.
The first week continued and I struggled. I was so cautious with him, even though our amazing chiros and pediatrician said his collar bone was healing well. Anything out of the ordinary stressed me out. Wren was doing great as a big sister, and we were starting to get out and about, but something still wasn’t right.
Eight days after he was born, I noticed he felt warm. I stripped him down and held him skin to skin to help him regulate his temp. I took his temp, and it was 99.1. The pediatrician’s night time call line told me that 99.1 wasn’t a fever, but to call if he got over 100.4. We went to bed, but I couldn’t really sleep. At 1:00 am, he woke up to nurse and he felt warmer to me. I took his temp again, and it was 100.8. I called back to the call line, and they told me to go into the ER. We packed up some stuff, thinking we would probably be there overnight, and asked my mom and sister to come over.
My sister stayed at the house with Wren and my mom came with us. We checked in at Cooks ER, and that began our 8 day stay at the hospital. The first few days were terrifying while the staff ran tests on our newborn and we waited to figure out what was wrong and what the plan would be. He had E. Coli that caused a urinary infection, and it had already gotten into his blood stream. The scariest part was waiting to see if it had made it into his brain. I did not leave his room for days. My first panic attack hit me when I left his room to go down to the cafeteria for the first time.
We were so blessed by our amazing friends and family while we were in the hospital. People went above and beyond to care for us in ways we didn’t even know to ask for their help. We knew that so many people were praying for him, and we could feel God’s protection and provision. His life belongs to the Lord, and we are so grateful He kept him safe. We were discharged from the hospital eight days after we arrived.
Although he was home safe, and I was still praising God for healing him, my anxiety and daily panic attacks continued. I had a follow up with my midwife, and told her how I was feeling. She recommended some supplements, and let me talk everything out. That was so helpful.
As I write this, my 8 week old son is sleeping peacefully right beside me. He is absolutely perfect and whole, yet my chest is still tight with anxiety as I share about my struggles. This battle is getting easier each day, but it is still a daily fight. There have been huge milestones and obstacles. At my six week postpartum midwife appointment, I was diagnosed with Postpartum depression and Anxiety. I already knew that, but to hear it confirmed was almost a relief. These feelings have a name and a cause. Other women are going through exactly what I am feeling. That is why I wanted to share my story with you - so that in case you are struggling, you can know that you aren’t alone. I want to share with you what has helped me on my journey towards mental health and wholeness (which is not even close to complete, but I’m feeling so much better than even two weeks ago).
What has helped me to cope with postpartum depression and anxiety:
Prayer - God is so much bigger than our problems, and He is the one who holds my future. Surrendering control to Him, and asking Him for peace in the tough moments, is the best way I am able to get through the anxiety and panic.
Support - I have had to let other people know how I am doing, especially on the hard days. I have a few key people who understand where I am at, and speak truth to me when I start to spiral because I am believing lies. My husband, my mom, and my best friend Katelyn are my support system, and I have to be vulnerable with them on a daily basis.
Self Care - I make sure to take a shower every day. I’m tracking my water intake to make sure I’m staying hydrated. Eating normal meals is hard to do, but I make sure to eat enough protein each day. If I need to get out of the house without one or both of my kids, Fabian is great about making sure I have time to do that - even just a quick drive through Starbucks trip is so good for me after a rough day. If I don’t take care of my own needs, then I rapidly decline. Do the little things if that’s all you can do. It helps.
Placenta pills - I had my placenta encapsulated, and I have been taking those daily. I know my Postpartum Depression and Anxiety would be so much worse without those pills. Read up on that, and if you think you might be at risk for PPD/PPA, consider finding someone local to encapsulate your placenta too.
Essential Oils - I have oils for just about everything, and hormones and anxiety are no different. When a panic attack hits, I roll on Young Living’s Stress Away blend to keep my heart from racing. It keeps the attack from becoming overwhelming. When I know I’m about to be in a potentially triggering situation (like a car ride with two screaming kids) I use Valor, Frankincense, Vetiver, and Stress Away. Around the house I diffuse orange to help uplift my mood. There are so many oils to help with specific issues you might be having, so let me know if I can help you find one to support you.
I truly hope my story can help you get through your dark season too. I know it isn’t easy. Please reach out to me if you want to talk, or just to tell your story to someone who wants to hear. I’m here to love on you. We can get through this together.
Tristan
*By the way, studies have shown that having a birth doula decreases your chance of suffering from PPD/PPA. I fully believe I would be in a worse situation if it weren’t for my incredible doula. If you are interested in learning about how having a doula can help you, send us an email!
